Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Spirituality and Marriage

Tuesday, 21 February 2012 13:03 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Chances are the subject of spirituality has already come up if you’re in the middle of planning a wedding. You and your fiancee´have probably discussed what, if any, religious elements will be included in your ceremony. Having an open dialogue about spirituality is important not only for the wedding, but for your marriage.

How would you define your basic beliefs and doctrines? What about your partner? How important is religion or spirituality to you? Your partner? Do you follow an organized religion or do you take an individual path to spirituality? Are there certain rituals, customs, or holidays you observe? Is your partner on the same page? If not, will you be able to respect each others different views? Is prayer an important part of you or your partner’s life? Do you plan to worship in a specific place? Will you expect your partner to attend with you? If you have children do you envision faith and spirituality being a part of their lives? If so, how? Does your partner agree?

No matter where you are on the spectrum of spirituality it’s important to discuss your views with your fiancee´. Try to actively listen as you allow him or her the same opportunity.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=587

Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage

Tuesday, 24 January 2012 09:57 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

If you’ve been with your partner for any length of time chances are you’ve had your fair share of disagreements. Conflict is inevitable in any marriage. The important thing is knowing how to handle the conflict when it comes up. Below are just a few tools you can use in your marriage to improve healthy conflict resolution skills.

1. Remember that the goal is resolution – not to hurt each other. With that in mind it’s important to avoid name calling or personal character attacks. If the argument moves in that direction you or your partner will quickly become defensive and it will no longer be about the discussion at hand.

2. Watch your words. Remember that “I” statements are often better received than “you” statements. For example, stating “I feel hurt when we don’t spend time together” versus “You never spend any time with me.” You statements are very accusing and will again put your partner on the defense. Your partner is not a mind-reader so you’ll need to clue them in to your feelings anyway. Also, it’s best to avoid words like “always” and “never.” Keep the discussion current by talking about whatever the particular issue at hand is. Avoid throwing in old issues.

3. Maintain an open mind. Ultimately, it’s not about “your way” versus “my way.” It’s about finding “our way.” Reaching an agreement together requires both parties to be fully committed to keeping an open mind and be willing to compromise. That means both need to participate in the discussion with full attention. Put down the remote or turn off the cell phone if it’s an important issue. Be an active listener and take the time to try and understand your partner’s point of view.

Photo Credit: David Castillo Dominici http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062

Infidelity: Signs, Causes, and Coping

Friday, 20 January 2012 11:54 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Infidelity. The word alone can strike fear into the heart of any person in a committed relationship. The very thought of your partner being intimately involved with another individual can send shock-waves. The reality is even more devastating. It undermines the foundation of the relationship, but that doesn’t mean it has to end it.

There are signs to look for that can help identify problems in the marriage before resulting in infidelity. The key is to address them directly in order to save your relationship. If your partner says things like, “I’m not happy”, “This isn’t working” or “I wish things were like they used to be” he or she may be crying out for help. It’s important to acknowledge that cry and seek professional assistance. An objective, nonjudgmental third party can help guide things down a path of recovery. Sneaking around, a history of cheating, and sudden unexplained interest in personal appearance may also be red flags. Again, it’s important to address these signs head-on.

Maybe your situation has already moved beyond warning signs and the infidelity became a reality. You may be wondering why your partner cheated or how to move on from here. The reasons can be as varied as the individuals involved, but there is some evidence to suggest men typically cheat for sexual reasons while women cheat for emotional reasons. With that said – the opposite can also be true (men cheat for emotional reasons and women for sexual). However, knowing the reason probably won’t provide much comfort. If both parties are committed to saving the relationship it can become stronger than before. It may take a lot of time, space, and professional help to repair the trust that was broken, but take hope in knowing that it can be done.

Let’s Talk About Sex…

Tuesday, 10 January 2012 22:05 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Any premarital series would be remiss without discussing sex. It’s a vital part of marriage. Regardless of whether you and your partner have been sexually involved with each other for years or have remained abstinent – a professional may help shed light on areas you haven’t even thought about discussing. Are you able to communicate openly with your partner about sexual needs and wants? Is your partner? Take a look at some of the discussion topics below which are frequently used in premarital counseling.

- Desired frequency of sexual intercourse

- Preferred sexual positions

- Feelings about marital aids such as erotic films and sexual toys

- Sexually unusual behavior

- Sexual handicaps

- Sexual preferences

- Specific behaviors that turn you and your partner on

- Personal definitions for intimacy

Have you discussed each of these topics with your partner? What do you do if you have different opinions about them? What if your opinions change? As with most things, it’s best not to assume you know how your fiance feels about an issue. Premarital counseling gives you the opportunity to dialogue about intimate issues in a safe environment.

* Photo credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Money & Marriage: Things to Discuss Beforehand

Tuesday, 03 January 2012 13:56 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

You’ve probably heard it said that money is the number one issue couples argue about. Did you know it can also significantly predict divorce? According to a recent study out of Utah State University, couples who argued over money once a week were 30% more likely to get divorced than those who argued over finances a few times a month.* In fact, disputing over money was a larger indicator than any other category examined; including sex, spending time together, in-laws, and chores.

With this in mind, it’s important to openly explore issues of money with your partner before even getting married. Perhaps the best place to start is at the beginning. Take a close look at your upbringing and how it compares to that of your partner’s with regards to money. Were your parents major savers or spenders? Was debt commonplace or something avoided at all costs? Did they combine incomes or keep them separate? Most money behaviors are learned so it’s important to explore your pasts together and determine how they have shaped your views.

Continue your exploration into the past by discussing credit. It’s important to be honest with your partner about past financial mistakes. If you decide to pool your money together then one person’s debt becomes that of both individuals. It’s best not to have surprises in this area after saying “I do.” Do you have a plan to manage the debt? The sooner you discuss the better.

Next, take a look at the logistics of money management in a marriage. Who will handle paying the bills? Will you set financial goals together? What are those financial goals? How will you develop specific plans to save (for a home, children, vacations or other luxury items, retirement, etc)? Will every purchase be made after consultation with your partner or will you develop a specific dollar amount that deems it a “big ticket item” which requires consultation with your partner? What will that dollar amount be?

The truth is you won’t be able to predict every potential disagreement about money before you get married. The important thing is knowing how to communicate with your partner when those disagreements come up. So ten years from now when your step-daughter turns 16 and asks your spouse to buy her a car and he’s ready to sign on the dotted line while you’d prefer to make her work for it herself – you’ll want to know how to discuss your views in a way that won’t damage your marriage. Or when you discover that your partner’s desire to eat lunch out everyday is making a significant dent in the savings towards a down payment on a house – you’ll need to find a way to come together on the issue. Money will inevitably play a role in every marriage. Premarital counseling can help you to identify problem areas and give you the tools to communicate about them throughout the course of your marriage.

Check back later this week for our next topic in our premarital series: In-laws.

*http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/money-fights-predict-divorce-rates/