Dealing With Mother Guilt

Wednesday, 27 March 2013 09:30 Last Updated on Wednesday, 27 March 2013 09:30 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Guilt. It seems to follow every mother from the moment her child is born. It’s as if having a child means changing your middle name to “Guilt.” It’s hard to shake and if you’re not careful it can lurk around and follow your every decision. “Did they get enough fruits and veggies today?” “Maybe they had trouble sleeping because I didn’t let them have enough outside play time.” “Should I work or stay home – either way I’ll feel guilty.” “I could really use some time to myself, but I feel guilty spending the money and taking time away from being with my child.” “Am I making the right decision about what school they should go to?” “I need to check these emails, but that means not spending time with her.” “Am I really present enough?” Any of these resonate with you?

Societal expectations for women largely contribute to the almost universal feeling of mother guilt. It’s as though somewhere along the way we were presented with a mental image of the ideal mother, but somehow we’re never quite able to measure up to her. While a little guilt can be good (because it shows that we love and care and want to grow and be good in our role), too much can weigh us down. At some point, we have to come to the realization that we’re not perfect. Cut ourselves a little slack and take comfort in the fact that we’re doing the best we can. Hard as it is we have to stop comparing ourselves to other mothers (real and fictional) because the reality is we don’t fully understand their circumstances and it’s just not fair to do it to ourselves.

Often times the underlying fear is that some decision we make will have critical lasting impact on our child. Sometimes it feels as though there’s one “right” choice and if we choose the wrong one our child will forever be negatively affected by it and will never be as well adjusted. We have to give ourselves a break! Try to remember a happy mother makes a better mother. So releasing some of that guilt and pressure will not only benefit you – it will benefit your kids! Develop a mantra if you need to such as, “I love my kids. I’m doing all that I can.” When the guilt starts to set in remind yourself of that. At the end of the day give yourself credit for working hard to provide a safe and loving home for your child. And then remind yourself that sometimes that’s good enough!

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Tips for Improving Your Sex Life

Tuesday, 12 March 2013 10:27 Last Updated on Tuesday, 12 March 2013 10:27 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Feeling like your sex life needs a little pick-me-up? You’re not alone. Intimate relationships take work. Sometimes day to day challenges get in the way of maintaining a healthy sex life. Busy schedules, stress from work, exhaustion from dealing with the kids…just a few of the many road blocks on the way to the bedroom. Here are a few tips to help heat things up again:

- Communicate - For many, feeling close begins long before a touch. There needs to be communication between partners. Make conversation a priority. Schedule date nights, turn off the tv, shut down the laptop – talk. Talking about a variety of subjects can help you to reconnect. And don’t forget to talk about the sex. Be open and honest about what you like or don’t like and what you fantasize about.

- Try New Things - If you feel like your sex life is in a rut because it’s “the same old thing” every time then it may be time to try new things! Explore one another and find new erogenous zones. Try new positions. Remember, it’s important to be honest with your partner about what you would and would not be open to.

- Synchronize – Synchronizing orgasms can intensify the experience for both partners. If it usually takes one person longer than the other you may want to work on arousal beforehand so the timing can be right. Also, communicating to your partner that you are about to climax may give them the opportunity to time it with yours.

- Get Healthy – Being physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy can help improve your sex life. Also, if there are physical problems hindering your intimacy, pain during intercourse for example, consult with a physician.

-Be Spontaneous…or Not – Most people like to picture sex as a burst of passionate spontaneity. Sometimes it is. Try to be open to those little opportunities throughout the day to be spontaneous. But, if days turn into weeks and nothing has happened – consider scheduling sex. While it may not sound as exciting, it may be just what you need to get things moving.

Any tips you’d like to add? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

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Elder Care Mediators

Monday, 25 February 2013 22:08 Last Updated on Monday, 25 February 2013 22:08 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

As previously discussed caring for an elderly parent is a challenging job and often comes with family strife. Conflict between siblings may stem from feuds or roles that are decades old. Or perhaps the conflict may simply be a result of family members facing so many emotionally charged decisions about a person they love. Whether it’s deciding when to take the keys, move a parent into a facility, or how to manage finances – tension is likely for many.

But how do you know when the tension is too much? And if it is, what do you do about it? If you feel like you have tried everything, but just can’t seem to come to an agreement on things perhaps it is time to call a mediator. Professional mediators are trained in conflict resolution and act as a neutral party to help facilitate the decision making process. They are available to hear all sides of the story and help diffuse the situation. Mediation is typically cheaper than litigation so it is often a favorable choice. Ideally, a mediator will help reduce the overall tension and keep the family focused on the goal of doing what is in the best interest of their loved one.

If family relationships feel like they are on the brink of destruction it may be time to consider a mediator. It just may benefit everyone involved.

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The Therapeutic Power of Journaling

Monday, 04 February 2013 19:17 Last Updated on Monday, 04 February 2013 19:17 Written by Lasandra 2 Comments

What comes to mind when you hear the word “therapy”? Perhaps you visualize a person lying on a couch or sitting behind a desk talking to a therapist. This is often the case. However, therapy comes in many different forms. Art, music, and play can all be powerful therapeutic tools that help individuals reach their goals. Writing can also be very therapeutic. By using a journal many people feel they can open up about their most challenging inward material. Its reflective nature allows us to begin to see ourselves more clearly and come to a better understanding of who we are and what we’ve been through. Studies even suggest there are physical, in addition to emotional, benefits to writing in a journal. Therapists often incorporate journal exercises as starting points for sessions or as “homework” throughout the week. Perhaps you’ll make a list of specific goals. Or maybe you’ll write a very honest letter with no intention of ever sending it. Maybe you’ll be asked to do a reflective retelling of a specific memory. Whatever the case journals can help bring to light the words that are most difficult to say. This can be true for a variety of circumstances. Whether you’re coping with illness, loss, addiction, trauma, or are trying to improve relationships or self-esteem using a journal can be a powerful tool.

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Tips for Managing Difficult People at Work

Monday, 28 January 2013 21:38 Last Updated on Monday, 28 January 2013 21:38 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Managing difficult employees is likely one of the least favorite aspects of your job. Dealing with challenging workers can quickly bring down the morale of your entire crew. Below are a few tips for managing the situation quickly and professionally.

- Sooner Rather Than Later: It’s best to deal with challenging employees early on before it can begin to have an effect on the entire office. Left unattended, the problem can cause other employees to become frustrated with you for not dealing with the situation. Make the time to talk directly with the individual. Before you do, it may be wise to take at least a moment for an inward reflection. Make sure you’re not overreacting to something. Be aware of any personal triggers for you. Perhaps there’s something specific about the employee’s personality type that will always grate on you. Just be mindful of your own issues before confronting the employee. Then, when you do meet with them, it may be easier to remain calm and objective. Try to use “I” statements instead of “you” to help avoid immediate defenses.

- Write it Down: In fact, write everything down. Document instances when the employee was insubordinate or unprofessional in any way. Be specific. This can help protect you should there ever be any declaration of wrongful termination. Be sure to also write down attempts to help the employee grow through trainings and mentoring. It may also be helpful to document specific goals and consequences. That way the employee has clear guidelines and expectations with little room for interpretation.

- Follow-Up: Don’t assume you can check in once and move on from there. It’s important to follow-up with the employee to monitor progress. Let them know how they’re doing.

Difficult employees will always exist. Having the tools to manage them will be priceless.

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Three Tips for Managing a Blended Family

Monday, 21 January 2013 22:45 Last Updated on Monday, 21 January 2013 22:45 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

During any new marriage there’s an adjustment period. When there are kids involved, making it a blended family, there will definitely be a period of adjustment – for everyone. As family members begin to learn more about each other and their new roles there will inevitably be some challenges. Here are a few tips to help manage the transition.

1. Be Patient – Remind yourself this will take time. Chances are the kids will not fall in love with their new stepparent or step-siblings overnight. The same goes for parents. It may take some time to fall wholeheartedly in love with your new step-children, particularly if they are having a difficult time with the transition and are acting out. It’s ok to take some time. Trying to force a relationship too fast won’t help anything. Try to allow a little space while still being available to them when ready. Remind yourself that blending a family is a big transition and each individual family member may be working on their own time frame.

2. Make Time for Each Other – As a newly married couple with children it may be difficult to find the time to connect with each other one-on-one. Make dates a priority. Investing time in your marriage can strengthen your foundation and help you both to lean on each other during what may be a difficult transition. It’s smart for you not just as a couple, but as new co-parents. Spending the time to connect with each other can help provide the support you need to remain strong and be consistent with the kids.

3. Set Family Boundaries and Expectations - Take the time to lay some ground-rules with the family early on and involve the kids in the process. Let them know there is an expectation of respect for every family member. (This also goes for members not present – don’t speak negatively about the child’s “real” parent in front of them). It’s also important to note that in the beginning it’s best for the biological parent to be the disciplinarian, not the stepparent. Stepparents need time to build relationships with stepchildren before they can easily step into the role of disciplining.

Take a deep breath. Building a family is a marathon, not a sprint. Work hard to develop a home environment that will foster organic growth in the individual relationships.

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How to Choose a Therapist

Monday, 14 January 2013 23:40 Last Updated on Monday, 14 January 2013 23:42 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

So you’ve made the decision to seek therapy – that’s great! It’s a courageous, soul-searching decision that often times isn’t easy to make. Kudos to you for taking that first big step. But now what? How do you go about choosing a therapist? Especially when there are so many to choose from and all with different titles. The tips below are merely suggestions to keep in mind while considering what therapist is best for you. Take a little time to mull it over and decide what else is important to you and then add it to the list!

- Comfort – Because a therapist is someone you will eventually end up sharing very intimate details with it’s important you feel comfortable with him or her. It needs to be someone you feel you can trust 100% and be open and honest with. You want someone who feels like a “good fit.” It’s important that you feel respected and can sit and talk comfortably with the person. Consider whether you would feel more comfortable with a male or female therapist. Would you prefer a therapist who speaks your native language? Would it bother you if the therapist was considerably older or younger than you? Don’t be afraid to sit down for a few sessions with a therapist to see if it’s a right fit for you.

- Location – Sounds obvious, right? Counseling is hard work. There may come a point in time when you are tempted to skip a session. Choosing a therapist who is close to your home or work can help eliminate using travel time as a convenient excuse to skip a session. Choosing someone close to home may make it easier to follow through.

- Experience – You may want to ask any potential therapist how long they have been providing counseling services. Also, you’ll want to find out if they have experience working with clients who dealt with your specific issues. Find out if they are licensed. Try to keep in mind you are interviewing them just as much as they are interviewing you.

- Insurance – It’s important to dialogue with your insurance provider and any potential therapists up front about the financial details. Is there a sliding fee? How many sessions will your insurance cover? Is it a copay or a percentage towards service? Do you need a referral? Are there in-network and out of network providers? Choosing a therapist you can afford may help ensure attendance in sessions.

Ultimately, you’ll want to go with who feels right. Only you can decide that!

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Finances and Caregiving

Tuesday, 20 November 2012 22:45 Last Updated on Tuesday, 20 November 2012 22:45 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

We all know being a caregiver can take an emotional toll. Unfortunately, it can also take a heavy financial toll. According to a recent Caring.com survey over 60% of caregivers worry about the impact care-giving is having on their savings. In addition, 42% are spending more than $5,000 a year on care. How is that possible? Many senior services are paid for privately (not through the government or insurance). Long-term care can quickly add up whether it’s in a facility or at home. Groceries, medical bills, and long distance phone calls are just a few examples of the costs that are often associated with care-giving (not to mention the cost of a facility itself). Another hard reality is that the caregiver is often forced to take time off from work, change jobs, or leave work all together in order to manage their care-giving responsibilities. This loss of income can deeply impact the financial situation.

So what can be done to prepare for this? Perhaps the best thing you can do is talk openly with your parents about finances before it becomes a necessity. Review investments, assets, income, and expenses. Know where they keep important documents. If necessary, consider switching to joint accounts so that you have access when needed. Most importantly listen to your parents wishes. Listen to their vision of their long term care and work together to develop a plan that will financially allow for it.

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Helping A Parent Survive the Loss of the Other Parent

Wednesday, 14 November 2012 22:00 Last Updated on Wednesday, 14 November 2012 22:00 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Losing a parent is incredibly difficult. In addition to managing your own grief you may be faced with helping your children and your surviving parent cope with theirs. Seeing your parent in pain as they try to navigate their way through the mourning process is heart-wrenching. Perhaps now more than ever they will need you to be there for them. This is especially true after the initial burst of support from other family and friends falls away.

While your parent my appear to be holding things together well initially it’s important to remember it can take some time for the reality of things to set in. It may not be until everyone returns to their separate, normal lives that your parent truly gets a sense of how quiet the house is without their partner. The mundane tasks of day to day life may begin to emphasize how different and lonely life is without their loved one. Making yourself a continual presence in your parent’s life can help. Try cooking together, sharing dinner, going for walks, or even just sitting together. Sometimes just being there can mean more than words ever could. Reminiscing about old times and going through pictures together can also be helpful once you’re both ready.

It’s also important to remember that losing a spouse initially can be a very frightening time. Your parent may be wondering how they can survive without their spouse especially if they were very dependent on them. This may be the time to develop some very practical solutions. Maybe that means teaching your parent how to balance a checkbook, cook, or grocery shop. It may mean figuring out transportation arrangements for doctor’s appointments, etc. if your surviving parent cannot drive on his or her own. Whatever the case sit down with your parent and develop a plan.

This is also the time to keep an eye out for depression or illness. Pay attention to changes in eating habits, behavior, or medication management. If it seems your parent is really having a hard time grieving encourage them to seek support through other family and friends, counselors, or spiritual leaders. Let them know they are not alone.

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Knowing When to Take the Keys

Monday, 05 November 2012 23:06 Last Updated on Monday, 05 November 2012 23:06 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

The thought of taking keys from an elderly parent is uncomfortable for most. So uncomfortable in fact that many avoid even having a conversation about it. That’s because it can be one of the hardest conversations to have. Driving may be one of the last things that allows a parent to feel independent and self-sufficient.

While it may be a difficult conversation it is also an important one. As parents get older they may face a number of new physical and mental challenges that can interfere with or prohibit safe driving. Declines in vision, hearing, and mobility can significantly impact driving ability. Side effects from medications can also interfere. Cognitive issues are no exception. Memory loss and confusion can create a dangerous situation on the road.

So how do you know when it’s time to consider taking the keys? Watch your parents driving closely. Do reaction times seem slower? Are they drifting in the lane or easily startled or distracted? Also, listen for stories about getting lost, confused, or recent accidents (no matter how minor).

If you’re seeing warning signs and feel it’s time to have a conversation with your parent keep in mind it will likely be hard for them to hear. Stay calm while you show your concern. Try to imagine things from their perspective. If necessary, involve other family members or providers in the conversation. Let them know it’s coming from a place of love and concern – not judgement. It can also be helpful to work together to develop a plan that will provide alternative transportation methods to ensure continued mobility.

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